- Feedback for my Storybook: My Life As A Teenage Rakshasi
- Comments
- Suggestions
- Thoughts
- Or any other musings.
Evil Eye by Franz Ferdinand.
This song reminds me of Kali from my Storybook AND is a super catchy song!
Thanks for visiting! I hope you'll come back!
Hi Lore!
ReplyDeleteYou are my lucky third choice this week! I was scanning the page and saw the title, My Life As A Teenage Rakshasi, and I was intrigued. I thought I remembered reading some of your other work. You are a great writer and I enjoy your style of storytelling.
The story in your storybook is like the first page of a great novel that I want to keep reading. I am a big fan of young adult genre supernatural books and television/movies. I think you have hit the jackpot with the Rakshasi not being as familiar to the scene for the general audience. That alone, not knowing much about them is intriguing.
I love your choice of storybook theme background, fonts and colors. It adds depth and drama to the story. I look forward to returning to read your storybook as the semester goes on. I cannot wait to see what else you will add!
Hello Lore!
ReplyDeleteI have read multiple of your previous stories, so I thought I would check out your Storybook. Yup, you're my third pick! Looking at your storybook the colors and pictures look great, especially with the story line you plan on following. They even match your blog :).
One small note, the line on the front page that says "here" actually opens another tab for the reader. I don't know if that is intentional or not, so I am just letting you know.
Your story introduction is very intense! I really like how you build up to the end where you announce her as a rakshasi. I also enjoyed how you explained her connections with others now that she is fully transforming.
There were a few spelling and punctuation flaws, but nothing big! Overall, this was a wonderful introduction, and I am excited to see what more you will have for Kali!
Hi Lore,
ReplyDeleteI just finished reading your introduction to your storybook, and I am intrigued. I liked that you went into your characters internal thoughts and feelings which mad her relatable and humanized. She seemed like a typical teenager who wreaks havoc wherever she goes until you find out that she is a rakshasi. There were a few grammatical errors that I found within the introduction; such as the second sentence at the beginning and a few fragmented sentences afterwards. These sentences take back the fluidity of the intro.
To me, your choice of theme and font colors adds more drama to the stories that the storybook may contain perhaps. I really like that you are using your skills to your advantage and taking an opportunity to show us (other classmates who are new to blogging) that there is so much that can be done and accomplished with this project.
Hey Lore!
ReplyDeleteYour introduction definitely piqued my interest for the rest of your storybook! I can't wait to watch it develop throughout the semester. :)
First of all, as a music geek, calling your intro a "Prelude" immediately won my heart. I think that was a great way to set the tone before the story even started.
The story itself was very intriguing! I like that we've been introduced to a few characters, and we already know the role they play in the protagonist's life, but we clearly still have more to learn. I hope you'll find a way to continue to develop these relationships in your stories.
As others have mentioned, there are a few typos and grammatical errors throughout, but I'm sure you'll have no trouble cleaning them up. In particular, watch out for commas around conjunctions; those seem to be the most common error. The "Weed out extra commas" editing challenge would be perfect for fixing this right up.
Your storybook design is so helpful in setting the tone! I did have a bit of trouble with eye strain due to the bright red text on a stark black background. Maybe play with those colors and see if there's a variation that's easier on the eyes.
Great work!
Hello, Lore! Like one of the other comments said, the title of your storybook is so enticing! The title page of your storybook is well done. Its gothic theme captures the mood of the diary entry so well. I think that my favorite part, however, is the little poem at the top. It gives you a taste of what to come without explicitly stating it. Wonderful!
ReplyDeleteThe first diary entry was a pleasure to read. You did a great job capturing the "teen angst" feel of a high school diary. It reminds me a great deal of some of the popular teen fiction that is so prominent now. The content of the entry really sets us up for what is to come. You detailed the "fall" of Kali and the blossoming of her inner rakshasi. I can't wait to read the next entry.
There are a few grammar and punctuation errors sprinkled throughout. One of the more common mistakes I see is the misuse of commas. For one of your editing challenges, consider choosing one that is centered on comma use. I believe that there is more than one to choose from.
I really like the title image for your storybook (the one that says "my life as a teenage rakshasi" with the raindrop background). It really contributes to the mood of the diary entry. It, along with the black background and supplementary images, helps to guide the imagery that forms in our minds as we read. You did not have to spend time describing that alley that Kali lives in because the gothic theme of the page forces me to imagine it as dark and unpleasant. Great strategy!
I really like the way you have set up your blog! great job!
ReplyDeleteHey Lore,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to say that I really like the brief poem on the front page of your storybook. I think it really sets the mood for what follows.
Anyways, I just finished your storybook introduction, and I have to say it's really dark. I love it! The combination of the anguish presented by your language choice and structure and the dark visuals just gets me ready for a really tragic tale. I like that you're telling everything in first-person perspective. I think that it makes me feel like I'm diving into the psyche of Kali. Likewise, I think that having each section broken up as a single line give the story a slower pace that ties in well with the inner turmoil of a character struggling for identity.
I really like your use of italics on the word demon. It really made it stand out in my mind, and it's great foreshadowing the rakshasi statement at the end.
I did notice grammatical errors in your story, but it seems like a lot of them are purposeful. They give the narrative a certain cadence, which I think is very good. There might have been a couple that weren't though, so I'd suggest reading over it to make sure.
Overall, I think you did a great job of setting the mood and getting the reader into the story. I'm looking forward to reading more.
Hey Lore,
ReplyDeleteWow! I was really intrigued by your storybook! The colors with the black and the red are striking and they really draw the reader in. I think that the name of your storybook is also really great and I love that you're writing the posts as diary entries.
I really get the vibe of teenage angst from your storybook which I think is awesome and really adds to the affect of having a diary entry type storybook layout.
When I read through your first story I was struck by how well it is written, it really feels like the Rakshasi is worried about what is going on inside of her and I love that she has taken pen to paper about it. It is also kind of heartbreaking that she hates herself and you can tell that she is really hurt over her breakup.
Overall I think that you did an incredible job and I am excited to check back in and see how Rakshasi changes throughout the semester!
Hello Lore,
ReplyDeleteIt was a Nice. Great job. You are such a great writer. I liked the way you retell the story a bit mysterious. I liked the images you used, which gave the story even more mysterious and scary feeling. However, I did find the story sad and I felt bad for Kali of how she left her home just because her mom told her to leave and then her love Darren, which was sad as well. This was the first time I read one of your retell story and I really enjoyed it. I found it different and unique from other stories that I have read. It was a great story and the way it was written. Overall, I think it was an excellent story and you did a very good job writing it. I am looking forward to read more of your stories and blogs. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Lore! Great job on your site as well as your theme colors for the blog too! I think choosing the red color for the font already intensifies the story before even reading it. Your images that you chose were great additions to the fearful teen. I understand that we all go through horrible teenager drama but this has to be the worst for Kali. You represent her conflicting feelings well through the storytelling style of diary. This style allows her to open up all the feelings between herself and others. You were able to give me the chills at the end and that automatically titles you as a great writer in my book. You are very detailed and that impacts a lot on the reader but it verifies and sense in the characters' emotional side. I feel horrible for Kali already just by reading how her mom let her leave, Darren does not know who she is anymore. It's all very well written!
ReplyDeleteI really like the background and the custom look of your title for your blog. It's really cool looking. Plus the color scheme works well for it too.
ReplyDeleteLore I enjoy visiting your blog and storybook. They show that you have put much work and effort into them. The finished products are great.
ReplyDeleteHi again Lore, I was working on the Blog Ideas assignment,and your blog immediately came to mind. I think you're really good at give your websites a cohesive theme. Between the background, color, and font choice, your blog has this sort of dark, metal maybe Gothic appearance. It's hard to put a word to the feel of the website, but it's definitely you. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWoah, the banner on your blog really blew me away. How did you do it? The font is A+, the colors, the size; really well done! I'd love to have a similar title banner on my own blog!
ReplyDeleteWoah, the banner on your blog really blew me away. How did you do it? The font is A+, the colors, the size; really well done! I'd love to have a similar title banner on my own blog!
ReplyDeleteHi Lore!
ReplyDeleteI just dropped by to see what kind of music you had posted. That is a really fun song and works perfectly for your page! I thought this was a really fun part of the assignment this week. As usual, I really enjoyed checking out your project. I hope you are having a great semester!
Hey there Lore!
ReplyDeleteWOW!!! This story was so intense! I thought it had such an amazing modern twist on the Rakshasi idea. Reading the Ramayana and Mahabharata, I was interested in the backstory of the Rakshasi, but those stories didn’t give too many details. I think you gave such a wonderful insight into the livelihood of an individual ‘demon’. I loved how Kali was confused about her situation – she didn’t mean to become some sort of demon, it just happened. You story made me wonder what would happen next – is Kali going to go forth and become a demon like Ravana and who is this Camus fellow? This story has so much potential, and you have set it up so well! Your prelude also gives a lot of the details needed for a great story. After reading that, I didn’t think anyway was missing from the story! I love you storytelling style, and look forward to reading the rest of your storybook!
Hi Lore, Franz Ferdinand is a group that I have not listened to since high school. I remember watching the music video to “Take Me Out” on MTV early in the morning when they actually showed music videos. This was a great jam session, and I’m definitely am going to check out what I have been missing out on these past years.
ReplyDeleteHey Lore,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that the title of your storybook is so intriguing that I had to read more and use this as my free choice for feedback.
First of all, your storybook site looks so awesome. It really set the mood for the Introduction, or might I say, Prelude. Your prelude was so incredible. I was hanging on to every word. I imagined a tortured teenage soul writing this in her journal. This was a great set up for your storybook.
Your first story, Genesis, was a great read. I think your storybook is my favorite so far. You have done a wonderful job creating personalities to your characters. You describe their looks and actions so well. I can picture everything in my head as I am reading. Your story is developing so well. I am curious to know what else happens to Kali as she learns more about her Rakshasi life.
I cannot wait to read more about Kali!
Hey Lore,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy how intense your stories are. I loved them last semester in Myth and I think they've gotten even better this semester. The atmosphere you've created is dark and foreboding. It is a perfect fit for your storytelling. I am always completely focused on your stories when reading. It is captivating and you do such a good job at character development. I really do picture everything I read in my mind. For some reason, when I read I picture it like the movie Thirteen. Some kind of feeling or vibe makes the story read like that to me. I am super excited to see what you come up with next.
My only question is: Will you be continuing to post the links to stories on the front page? I really thought that was a unique way to direct people to your pages. Very creative idea and I didn't discover it until after I read the next two stories. I thought they went to exclusive content :P
Hi Lore!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I would like to say that I love that you have matched the theme of your blog with the theme of your storybook. You can really tell that your personality shines through in the theme, color scheme, and stories that you tell. I also like that your blog matches your hair from your profile picture. Very cool! You Prelude seems both interesting and a little scary. The first story you have added is also well done. The dialog is good and the length of the story is perfect. One thing I would suggest is to add a little more to your author's note. I would like to know a little more about what made you want to write this story and what interests you in the Ramayana.
I hope you had a good spring break!
I look forward to reading more from your blog.
-Sara Leonard
Hello again Lore!
ReplyDeleteKali is a great character. She seems to have all the strengths and weaknesses of a teen. And then we are seeing clues about what she really is, but I feel like we have barely had a chance to see what Kali is really all about and capable of. I like that you added the other Rakshasi to go help Lore on her journey. I like how the characters are edgy and emotional. I wonder if Kali is going to still retain humanity or if she is going to go completely dark. I really look forward to finding out!
Towards the end of the story I noticed you said slide, I think you meant that Kali slid down the wall. I am working on verb tense in my writings, so I am on hyper alert. Overall, I love the story. I will continue to come back and revisit your work.
Hello there! Right away after clicking on your page I completely noticed the concept you’re going for with this blog. It is very dark and sinister. I felt as though I was entering an insane asylum or the mind of a disturbed individual, or just someone that really just needed some help. At this point, I’ve only read the first few sentences of this story and already can see that this girl falls into one of the previously mentioned categories.
ReplyDeleteIt was like each fight felt like taking a hit, like I was addicted to the pain, and the anger, and the sadness in my mother's eyes.
~~ yup, that just confirmed my suspicions. There is something genuinely wrong, which is actually sad because she knows that she is the cause of each altercation and actually enjoys them.
Oh Kalie… there is a lot going on, love! She really needs help to save herself from herself. I literally am going to have to read more because I want to know what is going to come of this entire situation, and I want to know what a Rakshasi is.
Lore! You’re a great storyteller! I’m literally on the edge of my seat trying to see what is going to happen next in the story of Kali. She is really going through it, and you’re making it so easy to see the details of the story and to feel her pain and confusion. From the moment of her being in the convenient store trying to steal those items, and completely flipping out… literally, to meeting the new guy, there is just a lot going on. She really told those people she was staying with about themselves, though. That’s probably so true that the only reason he’s being an ass to her is because he can’t get any of the goodies. Pathetic.
ReplyDeleteSome of the questions that come to mind after reading this story is that I’m wondering if her parents are concerned about their daughter and where she is at this moment. Also, I wonder if the two people she was staying with saw or heard Camus come up from the ground.
*Kali (misspelled her name in my previous comment)
Wow! I really enjoyed reading your story! I am in the Myth-Folklore class and was assigned to read a free choice Indian Epic story for my comments this week. I randomly clicked on yours because the title was interesting and I'm so happy I did. I really enjoyed your writing style and the imagery you used really made the story realistic and easy to imagine.
ReplyDeleteYou also described everything really well. Since I am not in the same class, I have not been exposed to the Rakshasi, but it didn't really matter because of all the description you included.
Overall, I'm really impressed and will definitely be interested in reading more of your stories!
Hi there, Lore!
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time taking a look at your storybook this semester, and I must say: I really like it! I think you captured the confused teenager tone perfectly; you did a good job of working through her thoughts, piece by piece. It would be so horrible to feel such a change working within you, especially when no one else could possibly understand. The mention of voices was especially salient. While I wouldn’t necessarily have originally attributed hearing voice to being a rakshasi, it makes total sense in the context of your narrative! I especially liked the phrase “all I know is the voices in my head, are now quietly telling me that I am a "Rakshasi.” It was a great way to introduce the main concept of your storybook, and I liked how you left it until the end.
There were some punctuation and spelling issues throughout the narrative, but one quick read through and you should be good to go! Good job!
Hey Lore,
ReplyDeleteI decided to read “My Life as a Teenage Rakshasi” as a free choice this week. I have had a chance to read some of your other work. I really enjoyed reading your story. The first great thing was the title. That was what caught my attention. The font added to the mystery of your work. The red and gray background was also a good color choice. It really added to the gothic and sinister theme. Your storybook was right on point and easy to follow. You described a teenager with confusion and turmoil within herself. I felt like she wanted someone to help her. The text makes you want to see the character have brighter days.
After looking at the overall look of your blog, you have given me a few ideas on how to improve on mine. I hope to read more of your work before the semester is over. You are really a great writer.
Hi Lore,
ReplyDeleteLet me say that your website is very captivating. It is very intense and I like it! I like how you made the demons into something more! I never actually paid attention to how the demons were described as something not so “beautiful”. I like your interest in comparing them to vampires! This is the first time that I actually here a song in anyone’s story! It is a great idea to incorporate a theme song. By the way I like the song it is something completely different from my style of music. I also like how you leave spaces opened in order for the reader to stay engaged with your story! The images that you use are also different from anything used in other stories. The images express a different side of the characters. It gives the reader something else to image rather than the common characters.
Hello again Lore!
ReplyDeleteI had to come and read the latest editions to your storybook! You are one of my favorite authors. You are super creative and a wonderful writer.
I am giddy about the new editions! Adding David Bowie to the mix is fantastic! I hope he is also a part of the idea of the Labyrinth. That movie never gets old! I too find the idea of a labyrinth terrifying. I like the levels of hell, nice touch with the red bricks. I think you did a great job of making the descent into the underworld unlike most others. I am doing a lot of reading about the topic right now in my religions classes. I really got a lot of entertainment from your story. Of course, I always want more! I cannot wait to meet the big Rakshasa. I wonder what horrors lay ahead for the lovely princess in hell! I am staying tuned for the next episode!
Hi Lore!
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job at the dialogue in Genesis chapter in your storybook. I also loved that you could almost feel how scared she was when she shoved the worker away from her at the gas station. There were a couple of typos in the story including this one: "He held a cigarette on a stick, and 'ook' a long drag of it". Also, there were a couple of spots in the beginning where you used the same noun twice in the same sentence which kind of made it seem redundant. I think it would be even cooler if you had the girl do even more than push the gas station worker away. Have her dig a little deeper into her powers to show what she is really capable of and then in future chapters, you can have her slowly develop a control over what she can do. Just a couple of thoughts. Thanks for sharing! Great job!
This storybook has such a dark feel to it. Even from opening the link and seeing the black background and the red lettering, it was clear that I was in for a very interesting story. You set up the story very well with the telling how she couldn’t go back home to her parents. It was very relatable, like she couldn’t go back because that would be too defeating. Also the diary set up of the whole thing is very appropriate for the style of the tale. The thoughts and feelings that Kali describes in her diary are very human and relatable – even though being a rakshasa isn’t quite as relatable for most. I like the spin off you did by making it a teenager who is changing into a rakshasi. Teenagers are so up and down with their emotions at that age that it would be difficult for the parents to know that it was anything other than puberty!
ReplyDeleteHey there Lore!
ReplyDeleteThe title of your story book really caught my eye and I am so glad I was able to read a story from it! Here I was thinking my stories were the only dark ones. I love love love the look of your storybook. The black back ground and the red font really make your stories come alive.
Great job!
Hey Lore!
ReplyDeleteI cannot believe I had not come across your storybook before! The idea of a young teenager demon is brilliant. I love your introduction as a diary post. You can really feel your characters inner struggle. I chose to read your story Genesis. You really managed to make your characters feel real. I love how you ended this story with a cliffhanger. It makes your readers want to know what happens next. I love how you changed how Rakshasas and Raksahasis look based off of some of your favorite demon imagery. I honestly forgot how ugly and less human the demons from the original stories were so it was good for you to remind the readers about the original demons. I also hadn't read about Yama before so it is interesting to know that he is the Hindu god of death. I like that you used characters from the stories to inspire your storybook instead of writing your stories to go along with the original stories. It really gave you a chance to be more creative with your storybook.
Hi Lore,
ReplyDeleteI took another look at your storybook, and I really like the direction it's going in. I'm enjoying the depictions of Rakshasa that your story gives. It's pretty different from some of the more traditional I've read, and I've found it refreshing. I can definitely see the inspiration you've taken from Labyrinth and some of the other stories. I particularly like the idea of Yama as some sort of Cheshire cat, taunting Kali as she travels through hell. He's probably my favorite Hindu gods, and I really like the persona that you've given him. Kali falling through the ground after that last puzzle was great cliffhanger to keep me interested in the story, and I think you've done a good job of building up Ravana along the way to make me want to see what kind of character you paint him as. Overall, I think your storybook is really well written and has nice cadence to it. Great work!
Hello Lore,
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time seeing your storybook project for the semester and I loved it. I remember the one you did last semester in myth and folklore and I was excited because I just love your style of writing. “My Life as a Teenage Rakshasi” was a wonderful idea and your title page did not disappoint. It had the angst of a teenager and evoked the dark and scary nature of a rakshasi. Your choice to do a diary entry for the prelude was a nice touch and really depicts the emotions of the main character. What a wonderful way to start the story. I loved the use of the pictures and videos you decided to use in your story book. I love how the intensity of Kali grows within each section and the ending was perfection. I never saw that coming, a brand new teenage rakshasa becoming queen of the underworld? Genius, awesome job!